Fear Makes Me A Fool

When I was a kid I was scared of needles. My sister is five years older than me & her BCG jab had got infected. The thought that one day I would have to have the jab made me frantic with worry. As is standard for my life this fear got dragged out over many years; the BCG was always given in the winter & I was always on antibiotics thanks to my rubbish lungs. I was in sixth form before I was able to have my BCG & was terrified. I insisted that the school nurse come with me to hold my hand. And I didn’t mean that figuratively, I was a 16/17 year old clutching the hand of the school nurse in front of a whole year full of 12 year olds. I didn’t care about looking cool. I was scared. 

The nurse prepared the jab, I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, squeezed the nurses hand & then it was done. And it didn’t hurt. At all. 

I felt stupid but I didn’t learn. I had the same fear over nothing with blood donation, a gastroscopy, tongue piercing, childbirth; the list goes on… 

And you guessed it this was the same. The bowel prep I fretted about was no big deal. Yes, it wasn’t pretty but no pain, no nausea, no need to fret. So my worry moved onto the proctoscope. I googled them. They looked big. I was sure I’d faint, or scream, or poop in the doctor’s face. So I go to the clinic, it’s running late, my heart was pounding.

And for nothing. The dr running the clinic said that the proctoscope would be useless for anything other than detecting haemorrhoids & (as I knew all along) my symptoms don’t match the symptoms of haemorrhoids at all. So I’m now waiting for a colonoscopy. The doctor did say he thinks it might be diverticulitis though which is obviously less terrifying than a tumour. Now to see if I can get to the colonoscopy without filling myself with unnecessary fear. What do you reckon my chances are? 

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